The life of an addict and/or alcoholic as I saw it…
As soon as my eyes open in the morning , I am full of guilt. I do not wake, but I come to from blacking out the night before and I am extremely sad and depressed. I can not believe I did this again!!! I promised myself I would not do this, but I have no control over my actions and I not only lie to everyone about my problem, but I sadly lie to myself. As I roll over in my bed, head pounding from the night before, I ask myself why. Why do I put myself through this insanity on a daily basis and not only hurt myself, but I put my friends and family through hell…Oh, I know why! Because I am an addict and an alcoholic and as an addict or an alcoholic, I can not see the torture I am inflicting on myself or the people around me. I am blind to reality and only live in my world, not yours. Selfishly, I love myself and could care less what you think or do because your hatred or even your love for me will never penetrate my thick skin.
I roll out of my bed, walk to the shower in agony because I want to just die. Life is getting, scratch that, has gotten out of control and the years of drinking and drugging are certainly taking it’s toll on me. I hop into the shower with every ounce of energy I have and let the water pour onto my face and head and my skull is about to explode. I get nauseous in the shower and I start to vomit last night’s alcohol and as it is coming out my mouth and nose, I swear to myself that I will not do this today. I promise myself that today Is the day that I stop drinking and drugging. I am putting my foot down because booze and drugs do not have control over me, NO WAY!!!! I have control over them and I will show them and everyone else that I can do it! I finally make it through the shower, head still pounding and still nauseous and I proceed to get dressed with wrinkled pants and a shirt that doesn’t even come close to matching BECAUSE I just do not care..
I struggle to make it out of the house and to my car, sick and tired of being sick and tired, and drive myself to work. I know it in my heart that the promise I made myself about not using today is still true and I will be free of alcohol and drugs once and for all. The day progresses on and I start to feel better. I eat and drink everything I can because I have not eaten in 24 hours and I need to muster up more energy to make it through the rest of the day. I can do this, I know I can. I can quit because I do not have a problem. I need to keep telling myself and reminding myself that I am strong and resilient and will not pick up today.
If I do not have a problem, do I need to keep reminding myself that I am not using any longer?
Why am I battling this problem daily?
Why do I keep telling myself that I am going to stop??
The day goes on and I feel like nothing even happened last night. I forget all about the nausea, I forget about my head pounding and the vomiting in the shower, I forget about all the sadness and depression that I awoke to this morning and I make the call. I make the call to my dealer to get drugs to start this vicious cycle again. I convince myself that tomorrow will be the day I stop. I will go out one more time and end this “problem” with a bang because after all, I have it under control.. Sadly, for an addict or an alcoholic, going out one more time and going out with a bang is not one more time. It could be years of “one more time’s” and by that time, it could be too late.
Addiction and alcoholism pulls people down and brings them to desperation and despair. They, we, will lie about our problem in order to conceal it and hurt the people we love and that love us, the most. We do not mean it!!!! We will say mean things, do mean things and act mean, but we do not mean it. It is the drugs and alcohol that have taken us hostage and torment us into becoming monsters. I know for me in my active days, I was truly a monster. People that knew the way I was will attest to that fact. My co-workers, classmates and longtime friends and even my family knew it. The only person that did not know it or see it, was me.
I, as a recovering alcoholic and addict, know all too well the power that drugs and alcohol have over people like me. I have heard many people say that it is a choice to pick up and use but to the alcoholic and/or drug addict, it is not a choice but a necessity. We do not realize the magnitude of our problem and despite the help that is offered and the advice that is given, we do not want to hear it, though we should. For you, the non-alcoholic and the non-addict, it is extremely frustrating to you because you do not understand or comprehend our problem. I have had people say to me or just tell me to quit, and I couldn’t because I was not ready. I was not ready to quit or listen because my ego and pride were to inflated and who the hell are you to tell me anything anyway!!! Well, I should have listened because if I did, I would have saved many years of my life..If you are active, please take it from me, someone who has been sober for 9 years now, living a sober life is much easier and more enjoyable than living a life of lies and deceit.
To those of you that have an alcoholic and/or drug addict in your life, my heart bleeds for you. I know what you are going through because I did the same shit to people who cared for me. My advice is to help them as much as you can, until you, yourself, or your life, are being compromised. Once that sets in, tell them you love them so much, that you have to leave them alone. Never enable us because we will manipulate you into thinking we care, only to spin you around and hurt you to the emotional core…
I love writing about alcohol and addiction because it played a role in my life for 28 years. I hope what I write and what I say about this topic will help someone and/or their family.
If you have any questions or comments about this disease or need any advice, please feel free to ask me or message me. The more we talk about it, the closer we are to getting someone clean and sober….
Please enjoy your day!!!
Rich Barnes