Alcoholism and addiction plagued my life for 28 years. I became an alcoholic when I took my first sip of Bacardi at 10, and a drug addict when I did my first line of cocaine at 17. Progressive in nature, addiction is like a soft hand that initially strokes your arm gently and tells you that everything will be ok. Soon after, after many things in my life started to fall apart, DUI’s, arrests, grades falling, and many other losses, that soft hand started to become claws. The claws were dug in my arm and had me in its grips, I was stuck. My habit went from drinking once a week to almost every day, and my cocaine use was out of control, spending hundreds of dollars a week.
At 20 years old, I left college because my addictions and alcoholism were too great, and I entered the car business. I figured that I really did not need an education to become a car salesman and was instantly hired. In that business, I learned to lie, cheat, and legally steal from people and that behavior fit right in with my disease and with the money coming in, it even escalated it. More trouble, more losses, isolation started to set in, and my disease was in full bloom.
My disease had stolen my ethical values, every moral fiber in my body, and created a hole in my soul larger than the Grand Canyon. I was 27 years old and a prisoner of my own domain. I was lost and alone, with no compass to find any direction….
I had met my wife in 1995 and I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She was a sweet girl who went to Catholic High School, Catholic college, and on to be an attorney. She was an innocent victim to my disease and I sadly manipulated her into my web of lies and deceit. Here I was, a car salesman with no future (and ok with that thought), an alcoholic, a drug addict, a loser in my own eyes, and a complete failure as well, and this girl liked me??? WOW, I am good, I thought!!! She had not a clue who I really was because I, we, alcoholics and addicts, are the best hiders of our disease and will go to great lengths to keep it a secret, and I did just that for many years.
I had many timelines when I was going to quit using drugs and alcohol and sadly, those passed and I still kept on using. My disease was so strong, I was drinking and drugging without my permission and doing it daily!!!!! I was a wreck and totally going insane. Einstein’s definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I got high every day, and always thought the next high would be better. Unbenounced to me, they were only getting worse!!!!
I got engaged in 1998 and married in 2000. I remember telling myself that on my wedding day, I was going to stay sober, I was going to remain clean and remember the most special day of my life, but I did not. The only memory I have of my own wedding is a video that is in a box in my living room. My disease had stolen that too!!!
As time went on, my cocaine use was at it’s all time high. I was spending $300-$500 a day and was as sick as an addict can be. Lies were plentiful, schemes were abundant, and paranoia and isolation were a big part of my life. In 2003, my wife and I found out that were having a baby. We were so excited and started getting everything ready. The room, all the furniture, painting and all the other things that expecting parents do when they are having a baby. All that wonderful stuff, I missed!!!!! I was there physically, but mentally I was too busy thinking about the man that I thought was in the closet that was going to come out and kill me, (paranoia) and spiritually, I was depleted. I was there, but I was not there…My cocaine addiction has progressed into smoking crack. Crack was the best drug in the world and all I wanted to do, was more of it. It consumed me to the point I would leave my job for hours on end to smoke it, and come back just to leave again and smoke more. I was very sick and the sad thing about it was, I did not see how sick I was.
This behavior went on and in 2001, I would be confronted by my wife about a phone bill. My cell bill was very high and my wife had asked my who I was calling. I grabbed the bill out of her hand in an angry fashion, because how dare she ask me who the Great Rich Barnes is calling (ego) and told her I will take care of it. She then went on the computer and found a certain number every single day, it was my drug dealers!! I made up some bullshit excuse, because telling the truth was not in my vernacular, and she was not buying it. For the first time in my addicted life, I felt cornered. Did she know? How did she know? What was I going to do? Oh my God, I am caught, I thought to myself, but was I?? I was a master manipulator because that is what addicts do, and I had to give her something. I had to tell her something to get her off my tracks so I told her I was an alcoholic and the call I was making every day was a call to my sponsor. And she bought it. At this point in time, cocaine was bigger than alcohol and it got to the point where I only consumed alcohol to come down from the high I wanted from cocaine. Insane, right??? I agree. She was very supportive and we continued to empty all the alcohol in the house and as we were emptying the wines and high end bottles of vodka, she posed a question to me. She asked me if I do drugs. Here it is Rich, here is your way out!!! Tell her the truth, Rich!! Let it go, but I couldn’t.. I looked at her square in the eye and told her no. I even went to the point, (because I needed to hide my addiction) to call her a name for even asking such an awful question. I made her feel inferior which I know was so wrong to do, until the next day. It was a Friday and she had called me to ask if I am ok and I told her I was. I thanked her for her support and that I am glad to be sober. I was going to do this, I told myself and had every intention of doing so. Not even an hour later, she came home because she said I did not sound good. She asked me if I drank and I told her no. She asked me if I was ok, and I once again, said no. I asked her to sit down because I needed to tell her something. I started to cry and when I say cry, rivers were flowing down my face. I was going to do it!!! I was finally going to be honest and tell her, so I did. I told her she was right, I am doing drugs. I am doing cocaine and I cannot stop. I am doing it every day, spending about $1500 per week, and I need help bad. She started to cry and hugged me. How can she embrace me after what I just told her???? I am a liar, a thief, a scumbag, a manipulator, and a bad husband, how can she hug me?? Because she believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Once again, she told me she would help me and that if I drank or drugged again, I would find my belongings on the front stairs. (I couldn’t believe they were not there already) I welcomed the opportunity and was grateful for her support. I got sober in 2001 and it lasted 2 weeks. I started back up, despite the chance of losing everything and was using every day!!!! I knew I could get away with it and knew the job of hiding it had to become better…
Fast forward to May 10th, 2004, I was out all night partying while my wife was 9 months pregnant. (Did I also tell you that selfishness is a big part of addiction? Well I is!!) I got home about 11:30 that night and I was so high, I could not even talk. I had snuck in the bed, heart racing as if I just ran a marathon, and laid on the outer skirts of the bed so my wife does not feel my heart beating out of my chest from the drugs. She woke about an hour later to tell me her water broke and my little Emma was on the way. My little Emma was coming and being as sick as I was, I was furious and scared. I was furious at her for inconveniencing me and scared at the same time because now I have to go to the hospital and let everyone see me in the condition I was in.. How dare she do this to me!!!!!!!!! I tried in vain to coax my wife to go back to sleep, but she insisted on going to the hospital, so off we went. We arrived at the hospital and I was crashing from my high. I did not have any more drugs I could ingest and no booze to help me through this. I was out of my element, like a fish out of water, and paranoia was telling me that all the doctors and nurses were looking at me instead of my wife. I was isolated, scared, and alone and I just wanted to run. I wanted to run as fast as I could and hide until I could regain my composure, but I couldn’t, I was stuck!! Finally, after 23 hours, my beautiful baby Emma was born through C-section. She was the most beautiful creation I have ever laid eyes on but all I could think about was if my dealer was open, or where can I get vodka to take the edge off. Though I was there in the physical sense, my spirit was not there, my heart was absent, and the thought of getting high has taken precedence over my baby, so I left and scored cocaine.
My wife and baby were in the hospital for 5 days and, at that specific time, I could not have been happier. I got higher than I ever did, drunker than I have ever gotten, and nobody to answer to. I was mentally in a state where all of this behavior was normal to me and I was loving it. I visited them in the hospital, holding my infant daughter while high and intoxicated, paranoid beyond paranoid, and as sick as they come. My wife and Emma came home and I had to tone my addictions down. I had to go back into hiding my using, which in itself was a full time job, and the bathroom was my best friend because it had a lock on the door and I could use in there at any point. My sickness was beyond sick and my mental capacity, due to bad choices and decisions, was non-existent.
Three months later, my Emma, my first born daughter was turning blue. My wife was in hysterics and screaming for me to call 911. I was high again and at that moment she was yelling to call 911, a million thoughts went through my mind. If I call, am I going to be discovered? Will everyone be looking at me? Will I get in trouble? If I call, all sorts of fire engines, police cars, and an ambulance are going to storm me dead end street and light up the darkness like a Christmas tree!!!!! All thoughts that should not have even been a factor in this instance, were riddling my mind. Once again, I am thinking about myself instead of my 3 month old baby who is turning blue because she cannot breathe. What was wrong with me!!! Oh I know, I am a selfish, self-centered addict who only cares about himself!! Anyway, I called 911 and they all came down my dead end street and it was illuminated like that Christmas tree. Once again, I am scared, alone, paranoid, and all I can think about was myself. My poor daughter of 3 months is choking and I make it all about me!!!
My daughter and wife get in the ambulance and I follow close behind. We are rushing to the hospital with lights and sirens both blaring and what do I do? I call my dealer to get cocaine. My addictions are running my life and I am just following orders. I am sick to the core and while I am making that call, I tell myself not to and my addictions tell me to shut the F up!!!! Thank God, he was not open so I proceeded to the hospital. I am high and crashing, feel like a piece of shit, paranoid, and alone, and all I care about is myself…Not my daughter, not my wife, not anyone else besides my sick self!!!! The doctors found out that my daughter had acid reflux and it was interfering with her breathing. She was in the hospital for 5 days and once again, it was party time. My wife stayed there and I went home, escalating my partying to another level. I stayed up for 3 days straight, going to work high, buying more cocaine to make it through the day and the hospital visits, and all I wanted to do was be normal. I was ok on the outside but I was crying my eyes out on the inside. I had the chains of addiction not only holding me back, but they were wrapped around me like a straightjacket and there was not an inch of wiggle room.
Fast forward to November 3, 2006. Just coming off a crack binge, I got home at midnight. My wife, and now 2.5 year old Emma, were both asleep. I am alone and desperate. I am very high, depressed, and now, and I never thought this thought would even enter my mind, was suicidal. My disease, which started as a 10 year old boy, has progressed to the point where I want to die. I no longer want to live and I have a 13 inch serrated butcher knife in my hand and I was kneeling on my side of the bed. So many thoughts are going through my head, my wife will be ok and re-marry, my daughter will never really know her daddy and be much better without him, my life insurance policy will pay even if suicide was a cause of death, so in my estimation, nobody will miss me. I put the knife on my wrist and for the first time in years, I prayed. I prayed to a God that I did not have a relationship with, nor did I even know. I asked Him to take care of my wife and daughter and allow them to get passed my faults and remember the good times instead of my death. I asked him to have them look at my accomplishments, which were few, and not my failures, or to help me..
Nov 4, 2006, I woke up feeling a thousand pounds lighter. I felt something different, something I never felt before. I felt a certain happiness inside my heart that was filling that void I have had for years. I went through the day and something weird happened, I did not use drugs or alcohol. I still had no idea what was going on but I will feed off of it. Two days, three days, four days sober??? What the heck is going on????? I get a call, a random call, from a friend of mine and he tells me about his dad. He tells me that his dad has 25 years sober and that I should seek him out and talk to him. Why is all this coming about??? I called him and we spoke for quite a while and we spoke about A.A. I decided to go to an A.A. meeting near my home and decided that sobriety was for me. I attended 90 meetings in 90 days and was now 90 days sober. I am starting to understand that God has done for me what I could not do for myself. In those 90 days, I quit my job in the car business of 18 years. I was so scared because of the security it offered me monetarily. I had 2 company cars, free gasoline, free car insurance, and a pays scale of about a quarter of a million dollars a year. I decided to leave all that outside stuff behind and take a job where the job started at $25,000. I needed to become humble and instill faith in this decision. I realized that my life was being guided by a compass that I was not holding and I was sober for the longest I have been in years, so I did it. I left and moved my employment 50 miles away from the inner circle of insanity in which I was living. I decided to get into a field that I knew absolutely nothing about but the faith I had instilled in my decision to leave, must also be instilled in the actual job as well. I put my family and our financial existence on the line here and it panned out perfectly. I did good the first year and continued to thrive in the following years at my new job. I was finally in the swing of my sobriety and into an A.A. group that embraced a man that thought he was too beaten down and bad to have anyone help him….I could not have been more wrong. They made me realize that I was not a bad guy trying to get good, I was a very sick man who need to get well. My hole in the soul was staring to fill up and before I knew it, a year had passed and I received my first year medallion. I remember speaking to the group of about 200 people as I was crying, and the only words I could muster up were, “now my daughter has a daddy”…
At the time I was getting my medallion, I also got the news we were having another baby. We were having another daughter and little Avery will be here in July of 2008. I will have a little over a year and a half of sobriety and I will do this differently from the first one. There was one thing I needed to clear up, however, I needed to tell my wife the truth. She still thinks I have been sober since 2001 and I needed to let this go. I need to get rid of this lie and I feel as though it will be ok. I know in doing so, I will open up a can of worms because I would have been drunk and high while my first daughter was alive, thus opening myself up to all sorts of questions..but I am ready!!!!!
I sit her down and once again, begin to cry, but this cry is different. They are tears of letting go of something that was holding me back and still in essence, keeping me sick. I told her that I have not been sober since 2001 as she thought, when in fact, it was 2006. Her mood turned from worry when I asked her to sit down, to anger and sadness…The questions came, did I drive Emma while intoxicated, did I hold her when I was high, did I ever do cocaine when it was just her and I, and I answered them all truthful, yes I did. I was disgusted with my behaviors and realized now in sobriety, how wrong they were. She cried and would not talk to me, which I do not blame her at all for her transgressions towards me. Life went on and my home was very quiet for some time. I had doubted myself for telling her but something inside told me I did the right thing. As time went on, we started talking about what happened and things were smoother than they have been in a long time.
July 16th, 2008..My little Avery is coming. I was in Newport R.I. at the time I got the call that she was coming and got in my car and raced to the hospital. I was in the delivery room, sober, happy, and for the first time in a long time, not alone. I welcomed my little baby and cried at seeing her for the first time. I, one day at time, will get to understand and comprehend what I had missed with my first daughter, and am so, so grateful for the second chance. I have another opportunity to find out what it is like to be there physically, mentally, and spiritually, for my daughter!!!!! I am one lucky man!!
Today, I am in my 8th year of sobriety. Life is no longer about me, it is about everyone else. Selfishness has disappeared, arrogance and egotistical behaviors have turned into a humble way of living, and I now know what happened to me on that November day. I prayed to God to enter my life, and he did. I surrendered mu life to Him and He took me in and gave me life. He showed me what it is like to almost lose everything and eventually, through many years of pain and anguish, learn to be grateful for everything. Today, I know my purpose. My purpose is to tell my story to people in order for them to realize that in anything, there is always hope. Sobriety is available to anyone and so is God.
I can look in the mirror today and with humility and the utmost of quiet confidences, tell myself that I love myself. The hate, resentments, anger, fears and doubts have all been replaced with love, forgiveness, security, and strength…
I speak at schools in Massachusetts to young, naïve students that hold their future in their hands. I tell them my story of poor choices and bad decisions and where they all lead me, down a road I do not wish on my worst enemy.
In closing, I want you, the addict or alcoholic, to know that you too can have sobriety. It is available to anyone who wants it and anyone who wants to work for it…Today, I have a better sense of the word, “LIFE” and will live each and every second of it to the full. God has done for me what I could not do for myself and if you ask Him to help you like I did, I am sure He will…
May God Bless you and watch over you. May He take away our pain, your anguish, your fears, and your doubts. May He instill faith in you so that you too, can look in that mirror and say, “Yes, I love you”
My email address and phone number is on my website if you should need help…I am always available www.richfulthinking.com
We all know that alcoholism and addiction is progressive, but so is sobriety and it is a lot more fun!!!!!
With warmest regards and spreading hope,
Rich Barnes
www.richfulthinking.com