I will always remember, just over 8 years ago, when I brought my then 2.5 year old daughter to meet my drug dealer. I remember having her say hello to him like he was family and he, in turn, would give her a wink and wave back. I would get my drugs, wave goodbye, and head on home with my daughter strapped in her car seat. While driving down the highway, I would grab a cd case, dump an 8 ball of cocaine on to it, cut it into two lines, and snort them up my nose while driving 75 mph down the highway. My daughter, who was learning some words at that age, asked me (or what sounded like asking me) what I was doing. I told her I was playing with the radio and gave her a doll that was on the front seat to shut her up….I, who was oblivious to what I was doing, was in denial. I thought my actions and my behaviors were ok because I was not hurting anyone….Boy o boy, was I sick!!!!!!!!
I, being clean for a number of one day at a time’s, know how cunning and baffling the disease of alcoholism and addiction truly is. It had me believing that it was not only ok to bring my beautiful innocent daughter to see a drug dealer, but it was ok to make her wave to him as well. It had me believing that it was ok to do cocaine while driving down the highway and putting not only my life in jeopardy, but the life of my little girl’s as well. (and whoever else was on that highway)
Alcoholism and addiction reveals what it wants, when it wants. It tells us we are ok when in reality, we are so far from it. Being who I am today, I am horrified at what I have done and realize how wrong it was, but thankfully, I have forgiven myself.
If you do things such as this and think they are ok, they are not. Our disease will feed us lies and deceit and make our lives seem beautiful. They will fill our head with thoughts of grandeur and allow us to think that if we are not hurting anyone, then all is good…Well please believe me, it is not!!!!!!!!!!!
Seeing what I see now in recovery, those behaviors that I portrayed are far from normal and in fact, they are hideous!!!!! I look at those behaviors portrayed by other active addicts and alcoholics as hideous as well, but I am truly sympathetic, understanding, and non-judgmental…I can only pray for them and hope they find recovery like I and millions of others’ have
If you think you have a problem, then you probably do and admitting it takes a ton of courage and humility….Reach out your hand to anyone and I am sure they will help you and if they can’t, then I am sure they will point you in the right direction.
God Bless,
Rich Barnes
Richfulthinking.com