I remember when I was high on cocaine when my daughter was born and thinking how much of an inconvenience her being born was.
I remember lying about everything in my life, even when it would have behooved me to tell the truth.
I remember when I …was suicidal and thought that life sucked and I wanted no part of it.
I remember coming to every morning and telling myself, actually lying to myself, that I was not going to do this any more and then telling myself that I cant believe I did it again.
I remember all of this like it was yesterday and though my life was insane and my life was out of control, I also remember thinking that I did not have a problem!!! I remember someone telling me that if I wanted to stop using drugs and stop drinking alcohol, I needed to change. I needed help and for the first time in my life, I finally asked for it. I went to my first ever A.A. meeting and raised my hand and told over 200 people that my life was unmanageable and out of control. I told them that about 5 hours prior to me asking them for help, I had a 13″ butcher knife on my wrist, ready to leave my 2.5 year old daughter daddyless!!! I was crying tears of pain and tears of joy all at the same time. I was happy that I let my darkest secret out of the bag and now I do not have to hide any longer…
I sat and listened to a lot of the people say how happy they were since they put it all down and I knew they were lying. I knew they were lying because how could anyone be happy when they don’t drink or drug, right? Well guess what, they were not lying. They were not lying because I am now them. I am happy, I am free, and I am no longer a prisoner of my own life.
I tell this to you, the still sick and suffering, so that you realize there is hope. I tell this to you, the addict who thinks he/she can not stop using, or to you, the hopeless alcoholic who thinks he/she can not live without a drink, to prove to you that there is life after addiction. I share this not out of arrogance, but out of desperation that someone, anyone who needs help, will get it.
If you need help, please ask for it. If you need to talk to someone, then talk!!!! We are as sick as the secrets we hide and addiction and alcoholism will not allow themselves to become public unless you become strong enough to break down the wall that they have built up around you….
If I can break down these walls, then you can too. I, we, you and I, can do whatever we want and have the ability to put it all down, one day at a time…. I have been clean for almost 8 wonderful years and there is no way I could have done this, or continue to do this by myself. I need a foundation, I need support, and I need to feel as though I am making a difference in the lives of others so that my life can progress….Without a foundation and support, the tallest building in the world will fall, as will we….
Life is not about what we have done or what we have endured, it is about what we are going to do and what we are going to make happen…
Good luck and may your journey of cleanliness and sobriety start right now!!
Rich Barnes