Alcoholism and addiction are two of the most misconstrued and misunderstood diseases on this planet. Some people look at the alcoholic and/or drug addict with sympathetic eyes and others look at them with disgust and hatred. The stigma associated with alcoholic and/or addict is that of a negative rapport. They are looked by some as weak, bums, liars, thieves, and many other negative attributes. What I am going to attempt to do in this post, is try to share with you, the person who holds that stigma and/or the negative opinions of us, a glimpse into our world, my world, the world of an active alcoholic and/or drug addict.
Firstly, I will tell you that my experiences are my own and those of no one else. My experiences and the things I did are real, some are un-imaginable, but sadly happened. I am not proud of who I was, but I am surely proud of who I have become because of what I went through.(if that makes sense) I do not hide my diseases for the sole purpose of helping someone who is going through what I went through and needs help. I will tell the world of my plight because to me, hiding what could be the catalyst of someone who is still sick and suffering, would be very selfish….I am in my ninth year of recovery and below, is an abbreviated, but accurate description, of how a once innocent little boy, became a monster….
I was a little boy and a curios one at that. I played all the little games that kids played. I played the hide and go seeks, the kick the cans, street hockey, kickball and the list goes on. I loved being adventurous and a little to my liking, a bit mischievous as well. I was 10 years old and my parents were now divorced for 3 years. I was, what I thought at the time, the man of the house. I was playing down in the basement when I made a decision, yes, a decision that would change the course of my life for the next 28 years. I decided to open a bottle of Bacardi Rum and try it. Now here I am, a 10 year old boy who has not even hit puberty yet, entering into a world of adulthood. That first sip, that first taste, would eventually become a nightmare for me. Never in a million years would I ever think that I would become an alcoholic from that first sip, but I did. Soon after that first sip, alcohol became my bedtime story and not too long after that, I depleted the bar in my basement of all the alcohol.
Did I know that I would become physically dependent on alcohol at the age of 10?
Did I know what alcoholism was at that age?
Were my intentions by taking that first sip to become an alcoholic?
Did I mean to do the things I did when I was drunk?
The answers are all an emphatic, NO!!!!!!!!!. As the years progressed, I got deeper and deeper into that alcoholic state. I am drinking in the woods with friends, I am running away from the police because I am drunk, I am in people’s cars drinking while they drive drunk and the list goes on. I have come to a notion that alcohol is like a smooth hand that strokes your arm and makes you feel good while you lose everything. Here I am, now a 15 year old boy, and my grades are falling, I am getting into trouble with the police, and I am turning into someone that every one of my friends’ parents do not want their child to be with!!! And in all reality, I cannot blame them!! My life is already falling apart and the only one that does not know it, was me!! My mother knew it, my father knew it, my teachers knew it, and the police knew it. I was nothing but a 15 year old punk who’s inflated ego and selfish pride allowed me to think I was invincible…And it all started with the first drink at 10…
You see, alcoholism is progressive in nature. It starts you off slow, never allowing you to see the carnage and havoc you are creating and allows you to only see what it wants you to see. At 15 years old, I was a coward, I was depleted of happiness, ethical values, and every moral fiber of my being, but as of yet, I did not know that. Tick tock, tick tock, time goes on and my alcoholism was becoming stronger and stronger right under my nose…
I am now 17 years of age and I have been an active alcoholic for 7 years now. Sadly, I have been arrested by the local and state police on many occasions, had to go to many court cases due to drunk driving, operating to endanger and theft, I am almost flunking out of school in my senior year, I got kicked off of my hockey team as a senior and my world, unbeknownst to me, is caving in and it is caving in because of my drinking. Why could I not see it?? Man o man, I wish I saw it, I wish I changed it, and I wish I could take it all back, but I cannot and now, at 17 years old, I am once again about to partake in something that will change the course of my life.
I am out with an old friend one night and he asks me if I like to drink and of course, my response was rhetorical. “Of course I like to drink” I said, and I like to drink a lot! He continued to open up what seemed to be a little package and dumped out a white powdery substance on a cassette holder. It peaked my curiosity and I asked him what it was. He told me that if I like to drink, then I will love this stuff because it will allow me to drink more and stay up later. It was cocaine. I proceeded to ask him what I do with it and he told me that I sniff it up my nose. I rolled a dollar bill up and sniffed the cocaine up my nose, never knowing that the bad decision I was making as a 17 year old boy, would cost me 21 years of my life, thousands and thousands of dollars, more arrests, more court cases, jobs, and almost my life. I never knew that that first line of cocaine, would lead me down the road of addiction and I would eventually become a monster.
Yes, the decision to try the alcohol and to try the cocaine was mine and I accept full responsibility for making those heinous decisions. Sadly, my personality is one that if I like something (or I think I like it) I will keep doing it regardless of the consequences and alcohol and cocaine became my best friends, so I thought.
Time went on and my alcoholism and drug addiction got worse. That once soft hand that was stroking me and telling me everything was going to be ok, now sprouted claws and I was stuck. I was stuck in a world of where I could not see through the error of my own ways. I was stuck in a world that I now, being so far removed from it, see as inflammatory and bogus. This was not the real me because the real me was pushed down and beaten into submission. I was inside myself, blindfolded with fears, doubts, and the lack of ability to get out. I was now, a coward!!!
My cocaine use escalated and crack cocaine became a big part of my life’s story. I was smoking crack for days on end, while getting no sleep. I was paranoid beyond measure and eventually would sleep with a flashlight and a butcher knife. The saddest part of all of this was that addiction had me believing it was ok and that it was funny. I would make a joke of it to myself the next day and the vicious cycle would start over again every day!! This went on for years on top of years and I was clinically going insane. Einstein’s definition of insanity is basically doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results..Well that was me!! I would get high every day expecting to get higher than the previous day and in reality, I was just getting sicker and more paranoid…
Did I want to be like this or do you think I was a sick man? I would venture to say that a normal man would not be doing this but this is a glimpse into the daily activities of an active addict…
So who was I now?? I am 38 years old and a father to a little girl and I use the word “father” with hesitation because I was the furthest I could ever be from being a good one. Yes, I was “that guy” who drove drunk with her in her car seat, yes, I was “that guy” who snorted cocaine while she was buckled in her car seat and yes, I was “that guy” who was so buried in alcoholism and addiction, that I could not understand how wrong it was or the ramifications I would suffer if I got caught.
Would a normal person do that? I do not think so or at least I hope not!! My body, my heart, and my soul was lost or stolen by alcoholism and addiction. I never wanted to become an alcoholic or addict, I just did….
So here we have a normal kid that at the age of 10, who took that first drink that progressively grew him into a daily drinker for 28 years and at the age of 17, became a drug addict and lost 21 years of his life because of that first bad decision!!!!
Do I regret the things I have done? I do now!!!! I see through clear eyes and see how sick I really was. I, being who I am today, would never in a million years exhibit the behaviors I exhibited and in fact, loath those behaviors today.
At age 38, alcoholism and drug addiction had me in its clutches to the point where suicide seemed like a very good idea. I have had enough and I was still in my heart, that 10 year old boy crying out for help but no one was listening. I had the knife on my wrist and asked God for help. For the first time in my life, while tears were streaming down my face, I humbled myself and asked God to help me out of this life. I asked Him to help me on November 3rd, 2006 and I have not had a drink or drug since….
If you think for one moment that alcoholics and/or drug addicts are weak, disgusting, lying, bums, then you do not know what alcoholism and addiction is…We, as active alcoholics and addicts, are not bad people trying to get good, we are sick people that just want to get well….
Today, I am in my 9th year of recovery and try to spread the word about these crippling diseases. They kill people, they break apart families, and they are cunning and baffling to say the least….
I am not the “know it all” of alcoholism and addiction but I am surely a very experienced one and I will share that experience with the world in hopes of educating the general public on who we are and what we are…..I will tell you this and I will say it with every ounce of humility in my body. I am in love with my life because I have endured so much pain. I love not only every day of it, but every single second of it. I will keep moving forward in life because I know what moving backwards will bring me. No longer will I isolate myself but instead, I will share myself and my experiences with anyone who is “WILLING” to listen…
I am not the same person I used to be, but I will use that person I used to be in order to become the person I am supposed to be!!!!!!
I hope that you, the person speak negatively about alcoholics and addicts, can now see what we go through…We hate ourselves and we hate our lives and there are only three places that active alcoholism and active addiction will take us, jails, institutions, or death….
Please enjoy your day and be safe. If you ever want to talk about alcoholism or addiction, please feel free to call me at any point…
Warmest regards,
Rich Barnes