I remember years ago, I would never had told you that I did not have my life under control because everything in my whole body and mind, told me I did. I thought waking up at 7am in the morning and craving that drink was normal, and the shakes and headaches that accompanied that craving, would go way when I drank that first drink. I thought sleeping on the bathroom floor at work was just something I needed to do to re-coop the sleep I had lost from being up all night the previous day. I thought hiding, sneaking, and lying were just normal things I had to do to make it through the day. I thought when the clock struck noon and the high anxiety of calling my drug dealer that was consuming my body, was just something I had to deal with on a daily basis until I got my fix of drugs. I thought that hiding under my desk at certain periods of the day because I was consumed with paranoia was ok because nobody saw me. I thought doing more and more drugs and drinking more and more alcohol throughout the day would take me to a different level of drunkenness and a much higher high. I thought driving home from work doing drugs was ok because I was not hurting anyone. I thought that pacing my home all night or hiding in a closet with a butcher knife was ok because in my own sick mind, there was someone in my house that was going to kill me at all times…Little did I know, I was beyond sick and my life as I “did not know it”, has gone completely insane. Many years of alcohol abuse and drug abuse has finally pushed me over the edge and the only one who could not see it, was me. I found myself lost and alone, and needed to break out of the prison that I created for myself and start my life over…I finally looked around and was lost in a life and had no idea how I got there and no idea how I was gonna get out. I needed to ask for help, I needed to humble myself and let down the walls of isolation I built around me, and I needed to do this quick. Time was running out for me and death seemed like a pretty good idea. I mean after all, who is gonna miss a guy like me? Who is gonna care if I am gone? I had nestled into a life that was less than and filled with mediocrity, just like a bird nestling into its newly made nest and I wanted out. Then came Nov 3rd, 2006, the day my life would change forever. I sat on the side of my bed, alone and crying with a knife in my hand, and placed it on my wrist. My mind was going round and round, and I could see my tears falling on the shiny steel of the knife. I looked at the blade as it was pressing down on my wrist and saw my reflection. It was a reflection of a very sad man that I did not know. I saw myself in that reflection but I knew it wasn’t me. What am I doing??? Why am I doing it?? Stop Rich, stop!!!!!! I prayed that fateful night and woke up the next morning with the knife on the floor and a million pounds off of my soul….If you, at this time, had asked me what was going on, I would have told you that I have no clue. I had no idea that my life was changing, I had no idea that God came into my life because I asked Him to, and I had no idea what my life was going to be like but I knew I had to get up, get moving, and be the change I want to see….
I was scared, I was afraid, I was suicidal, and I was heading into what seemed to be another country, but in reality, I was just doing an about face in life. I asked for guidance, I prayed, and I want to many meetings. I finally was pulling back the curtain that I was hiding behind and letting the sun in. My life as I knew it was always dark and dingy, just like a prison cell in a third world country. I was the one who built it and resided in it for many years and I was also going to be the one who will tear it down!!!!!!!!
One day at a time, I was staying clean and sober, breaking down my fears, addressing my doubts, and handling my problems instead of running from them. I found myself always looking for things to change in my life but never knowing that It was me who needed changing. I finally realized, with the help of many people I became friends with, that everything I do, is a choice. Every thought and every action that came from me, was a choice, and when I discovered that I had choices, I made the biggest choice of my life, and that was to never pick up a drink or drug ever again. To this date, almost 8 years later, I have not. I live each day, one day a time and am travelling on my journey of life with the biggest smile on my face……..
So let me explain why I write this and why I post this….I do this for you, the alcoholic and addict who is like I used to be. I do this for anyone who is still sick and suffering to spread hope that yes, there is life after addiction and/or alcoholism. I do this for you, the family member of someone who is sick so that you understand that the names we call you, the anger we portray, and all of the other negativity we display, is all part of our illness. I do this because I hate alcoholism and I hate addiction and will constantly raise awareness of it any way, shape, or form necessary to defeat it, one person at a time….
If you are an alcoholic or an addict, please get help. Please get help so that you can live a life of freedom and peace. I promise you this….if you have just a “desire” to stop and get into a good 12 step program of recovery, then you are well on your way to become whole again……
Good luck and best wishes,
Rich Barnes
www.richfulthinking.com