I woke up this morning fairly early to a continuous thought that kept entering my mind. I disregarded it because of its nature and wanted no part of it, but the thought kept coming around like an Indy race car. The thought was to look in the hiding spots where I used to hide my drugs and nips when I was active. I was reluctant because of what I may find, but did it anyway. I had many spots and one of them was in the boiler room in the ceiling. I reached my hand up there and felt around and felt what seemed to be a piece of paper, so I grabbed it. I opened it and it was a letter that I had written to myself and the date was March 16th, 2003, the day before my 35th birthday. On it, was a picture of a headstone that I scribbled and the scary part as I look at it now, was that the headstone I drew, had my last name on it….The letter I wrote over 10 years ago is as follows….
“I am high again!!!! I am high again and I do not know why!!! Tomorrow marks my 35th birthday and I am gonna quit using. Wait a minute, no I am not, that is a lie!!!! I can’t stop and I will be lucky to see my 36th birthday and in fact, I have succumbed to the notion that I will be dead by my 40th birthday, I know that.
I think nothing of myself, I am a shell of a man at best, a coward, a liar, a manipulator, selfish and self-centered and in 4 hours, I have to go to a job that I hate!!! I have made nothing of myself and am a fucking drug addict that cannot stop. Why do I go on? I do not want to!!!!!!!! I hate my life, I hate everyone and everyone hates me!!!! What the fuck is a good reason to live, Rich?? I have a wife that loves me to pieces and I cannot even tell her that I am crying right now, nor the reason because if she knew who I really was, she could possibly leave!!! I am so scared!!!! Something has to give, something has to reveal itself because I cannot take this any longer. I want to leave this world and I want to leave it now. Who will miss a person like me? Oh wait, I will answer that, fucking nobody! I dug this hole I am in and my nails are all gone from trying to claw my wait out. I am tired, I am afraid, and I feel alone. Please, please, please stop Rich. Stop the madness that surrounds you, you can do it..No I can’t!!! Fuck it, I have to go to bed and when I come to clarity now in three hours till I have to be at work, I hope I read this and stop!! But I know I won’t because I am a no good loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
This letter I found really hit home. It hit home because it truly revealed how sick I was. I was sick beyond measure and though I still did those drugs for another three and half years after this letter, I never stopped giving up. I found my way out of a hell that I created because I kept my feet moving and though my thoughts were all negative, I still had that inkling of hope that one day, if I did not die first, I would fund sobriety or it would find me. Coming up on 7 years of continuous sobriety, I can only read this letter and cry. I cry because I know that there are still other people out there like I was, afraid, alone, and a hater of life..
I show you this letter in hopes of helping. I show you this letter in hopes that you find that faith, a faith the size of a mustard seed that yes, you can make it out alive….You too can keep your feet moving forward and keep walking, if not running, through any problem, obstacle, or roadblock. Life is too short to live this way and being sober for the number of years that I have, I now know that life is precious and fragile and ought never, ever be taken for granted…
I took that letter and put it in a paint can and burned it. I burned it because that letter is so far from who I am now and I believe it finally served its purpose. I believe that letter has been sitting up in the ceiling for ten years to remind me of something. I believe that it reminded me of who I was so that I remain grateful for who I am. I believe that that thought kept circulating in my mind for what seemed like hours, so that I find it and show it to realize that you are not alone. NOBODY IS ALONE AND NO MATTER WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH, WE NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!! I wish to God that I expressed that letter verbally to people so that maybe I could have become clean earlier..But then again, I think Nov. 6th, 2006, my sobriety date, is perfect!!
P.S. I am sorry about the vulgarity but that was my demeanor back then!!!!!!
Rich Barnes