From Stealing to Healing…My abbreviated story…
I can go back as far as when I was 10 years old. I was a boy about to become, in my own mind, a man. I was about to do something that would eventually take a hold of me like a Boa Constrictor and squeeze me into something and someone I never wanted to be. I was about to take my first drink of alcohol and instantaneously become an alcoholic and eventually, a slave to it. That first smell, that first time it hit my lips, and that first swallow of warm Bacardi Rum was the catalyst for a life full of trouble, a life full of doubts and fears, a life full of ego, pride, selfish ways, and a life full of so many failures, pains, and sorrow. All things a 10 year old should not be encountering!!!!!
The next 7 years were a blur for me. The importance of school, relationships, friends, family, and all of the things that should have been important to me, the things a “normal” person could have used to develop themselves into something worthwhile, escaped me. Alcohol was my friend, alcohol was my savior, and it was calling the shots for my life. My alcoholism was growing and so were the symptoms of it as well, fatigue, loss of interest in important things, loss of appetite, selfish behaviors, lying, stealing, ego, fears, doubts, isolation, and many more. I am not sure if anyone even saw these signs, I surely did not, and the soft touch of alcoholism’s hand gently rubbing my arm and telling me that everything was ok, has now sprouted claws. At age 17, I was a full blown alcoholic and unbeknownst to me, getting worse by the day. I was falling hard and did not even see the downward spiral I was on, and it was about to get worse, much worse…
It was a cold November night in 1985 when my life would get a whole heck of a lot worse. I was with a friend and he took out a little package out of his pocket. He neatly unfolded it and dumped out its contents on a little cassette tape holder. It was a white powdery substance and what went through my head in the next 3 seconds were a million different thoughts….I proceeded to ask him what it was and he told me it was cocaine. He told me if I like to get drunk, which I did, then this would allow me to drink more and stay up longer. I was all for it but had no clue on how to ingest this powder so my inquisitive mind had to ask. I asked him and he told me that I had to sniff it up my nose, and I did!! I rolled up a dollar bill, put the end of the bill on the cassette holder, and sniffed up a line of cocaine. Here I am, a 17 year old boy and a full blown alcoholic, has now become a drug addict. I never in a million years would ever think that that one line of cocaine would cost me more money than I made, relationships, job opportunities, a college education, and many other things. After I did that first line of coke, I became an addict and had no idea that it was going to take me 21 years to put it down!!! In the next several months, my love for cocaine took off and my life revolved around it. Wherever I went, whoever I was with, I would have to have cocaine. Whatever I was doing, I had to be high doing it. I loved it and it loved me. It was my friend, my confidant, and my ambassador. At 17 years old, I was 7 years into my alcoholism and just starting a 21 year streak of addiction and the sad thing about alcoholism and addiction is, they will not allow you to see the devastation or destruction you leave behind. They will not allow you to feel pain because they are always there to take you away from it and when the morning comes and that pain returns, they are always there to comfort you again. The circle never ends and the rat race seemingly never gets won. I was stuck in a world that I had no business being in and when I was 20 years old, I quit college and entered into the car business.
I remember it as if it were yesterday. The month was September and the year was 1988. I went into a car dealership and applied for a sales job. I had just done a little cocaine before I went into the interview and it allowed me to become confident in my mannerisms. I got the job and was to start on the following Monday. “Who need college anyway, right?” I said to myself, “ After all, I am going to make a lot of money and get a company car with free gas and free car insurance.” My addiction and alcoholism were now calling the shots. I was, at this time in my life, more concerned about all of the “outside” bullshit that would make me look “cool”, and not concerned about what should have meant more to me, like college, relationships, and just doing the right thing. As my addiction and alcoholism progressed, so did my selfish ways and what better business to be in than the car business. I sold cars and did a real good job at it. I made a lot of money, (actually I should say I took advantage of many people) to feed my life style. I was 21 years old and making $70,000, which back in the late 80’s, was a lot of money for someone as young and un-educated as I was….My ego flared, my pride grew, and I was on top of the world. I made money to feed my habits, I spent money to buy friends, and never saved a dime of it. I was lost in a world I had no business being in and my life was full of deceit, lies, legalized thievery, and false bravado. I thought, though in hindsight I know now how wrong I was, I was on top of the world. I had an unlimited supply of cocaine, alcohol hidden in every drawer, closet, and car I drove, and I was a man that demanded respect. I wanted to be liked (inferiority complex) and would do anything to be so. I would buy dinners, drinks, lunches, and whatever it took to earn your respect. You see, addiction and alcoholism eventually will isolate you and make you feel less than or unequal to your peers. It will make you feel as though you are being judged, negatively spoken about, and paranoid beyond measure and my alcoholism and addiction had me right where it wanted me, isolated and alone….
I became a finance manager of a very well established auto dealer in 1999. My alcohol consumption started to taper off and cocaine has become my bestest of friends. I used to have to drink alcohol in order to do cocaine and now, cocaine has taken hold of my mental capacity, depleted my spirituality, and has allowed me to fall further in life than I have ever fallen before. My cocaine consumption went from about $200 a week to a $300-$500 dollar a day habit and I have no idea how it happened. I was now in a job that would allow me to afford it. My position in the dealership, a finance manager, was the most lucrative position in the place. I made money hand over fist, stealing from unsuspecting people. I was high on cocaine every day and had a very sharp tongue. I would sell things to people that I, myself, would never in a million years, buy. I would rob them blind and they would thank me after, thinking I took care of them. I was in serious trouble and addiction was ruling and ruining my life. I needed to feed my habit and this is how I did it. Am I proud of it? HELL NO!!!!! I talk about it because it is how I let it go. I remember one time a mechanic bought a truck from us and he came in my office with nothing but trust in his veins. I took that trust of his and manipulated it into making about $12,000 profit on him. It was one of the lowest things I have ever done and that night, I felt a little uneasy about what I did and called the owner. I told him that I felt uncomfortable making that much money off of him (I knew I had some ethical values somewhere in my body) and he told me that it was just a profit and that is all I needed to hear. His justification was enough for me and I went on doing the same thing to many other people. I knew how much I needed to make to support my habit and stole from everyone I could. I even stole from my own father….I was a very bad man, sick to the core, and had no idea of how low in life I was falling. Life was about me, me, me, and I, I, I. it was never in a million years about you. I did everything for myself and if I offered you help, it was because I had selfish motives. Time went on, addictions grew, and suicidal thoughts started to creep in my mind. I never thought about it and when the thought came in my mind, I would just laugh about it…Until Nov 3rd, 2006.
It was a Friday night and I was high on cocaine and crack cocaine. Addiction has taken its 21 year toll on me and that night, I was isolated, fearful, and alone. I had become a prisoner of my own life and of my own home and thoughts of killing myself were hitting me over the head like a hammer to a nail. Would life for others be better off without me? Would I be better off dead? Who would really and truly miss me if I were gone? These are all questions I asked myself that night as I walk around my house with a 13” butcher knife in my hand because my paranoia told me that there were monsters in my house and in every closet. I never went to sleep without that knife or without a flashlight because paranoia consumed my every thought! I was one sick man and starting to, at this specific moment, realize how sick I truly was. I am a thief and a liar, a con artist and a bad daddy, and have no future and I even settled in for the fact that I was going to die an active addict and alcoholic. I took some pills and drank straight warm vodka and kneeled down next to my bed. I was 38 years old, I was crying my eyes out and wondering how in the hell this all happened. I asked God to take care of my family. I asked God to please make sure that my little 2 year old daughter knows how sick her daddy was and that he is in heaven now watching over her. I had the knife in my hands and ready to do it. I pressed the knife on my wrist to the point where I drew blood, and stopped. I had a thought that maybe, just maybe if I ask God to watch over my little daughter, I can ask Him to help me. I asked Him to remove this obsession, this obsession to drink and get high for the last 28 years and set me free. I asked Him to allow me to break the chains of addiction and show me how to live life the way it is supposed to be lived!! And he did. November 4th, 2006, was the first day of the rest of my life…
I had no idea what happened to me that morning but when I came to, I saw the knife on the ground and I felt a hundred pounds lighter. I didn’t use drugs or drink that day, and that one day turned into two days, then into a week, and then into a year. I remember I was at my A.A. meeting getting my one year medallion for complete sobriety and when we receive a medallion, we are to speak for a couple minutes about how we did it….I was not good at speaking in front of anyone and I was crying my eyes out to boot and the only thing I could muster up between my tears and grasping for breathe was, that now my daughter has a real daddy!!!!
Almost 8 years have passed since my last drink and/or drink and life today is second to none. I do whatever I can do to help the still sick and suffering and do whatever I can to allow them to see past their addictions and see into a life of happiness, peace, serenity, and compassion for others. I left the car business in November of 2006 after I became sober and realized what I was doing was totally wrong. I have peeled back that onion of my life and learned, and will continue to learn, how to live…I continue to heal from my own wounds and the many years of struggling to maintain a life that was less than sub-par. I look forward, never behind and I cannot unscramble eggs nor can I undo all of the horrible things I have done to many people and to myself. I have learned that in order to move past my wrong doings, I must “FORGIVE” myself for my past doings, and in regards to all the people I financially harmed in the car business, all I can ask is for their forgiveness…..I left a life that was built around stealing and entered a life that is now all about healing not only myself, but continuously helping others to heal as well…
In closing and to you, the person who is stuck in the life that I was for 28 years, let it all go. Let your walls of separation down and enter into a world of serenity. A world where total abstinence from drugs and alcohol is a reality and where selfishness, self-centeredness, and selfish motives no longer exist. A world that at one time, I only saw in my dreams, and that I now live, breathe, and exist in….
If you need help, please reach out that hand and ask for it….there are so many people that will open their hand to yours and embrace you and everything about you, good and bad..
I promise you that if you do, your life will take on a whole new meaning!!!!
Rich Barnes
www.richfulthinking.com