I remember when…
I remember when I lived a defeated life, a life that I dreaded even waking up in the morning. I lived a life where change never existed, nor did the word ever come to my mind, I mean, how could it? On the outside, I was great!! I had lots of money, free cars, free gas, free car insurance, a house, and sadly, all the drugs I wanted!! I never knew that the life in which I was leading and the false bravado I was exhibiting, were all defense mechanisms in which I would hide behind in order to not let anyone see the real me….I was a prisoner of my own life and the worst thing about it, I did not know it!! I go back to the days where fear, doubt, resentments, and hatred not only consumed my every thought, but consumed my every move. I was a total coward on the inside, of course, where no one could see, but on the outside, I always put on my coat of armor to shield myself from my deepest fear becoming a reality, the world in which I existed getting a glimpse of who I really was, an insecure, drug addicted man with tons of emotional problems.
I woke up one morning after not sleeping for 2 or 3 days and decided enough was enough. I made the decision that all of my fears, doubts, resentments, and hatred were a direct derivative of my life and the way I was living it. I allowed outside influences to take my physical, mental, and spiritual part of my life hostage and decided that I was finally going to fight to get them back. I was in for an all-out war, a war in which I had no weapons or even any resemblance of a weapon, but a war I would fight with every drop of blood, sweat, and tears I have. A war in which I would fight to the end, a war that was filled with purpose and reasoning, a war that would eventually define me as the man I was to become and distance me from the man I was, a war that I would not only win, but I would divide and conquer it into submission and would never allow it to rear its ugly head again, especially while I was alive and breathing!!! A war nevertheless, and I was finally ready to take over my life!!!!
I fought that war for a long time and the enemy finally raised its white flag. The enemy finally succumbed and a new way of life took over. Fear was replaced with security, doubts were replaced by knowledge and strength, resentments were replaced by forgiveness, and hatred was replaced with kindness, compassion, and love, all weapons that I found on my journey to overtake this awful enemy. The changes that have taken place in my life are still to this day, almost 8 years later, still awe-inspiring to me. I woke up on Nov.4, 2006 and demanded better for, and from, myself. I decided that I was never going to go back to my selfish ways but instead, create a life that would allow my life to move forward on a daily basis by helping anyone I could, give whenever I could, and just feed the world with kindness instead of taking from it. Life for me is second to none and the only reason it is like that, is because I woke up one morning and made a decision that the life I was leading, was not worth the air that I was breathing…The war is over and I cut the head off of the enemy. He will never be allowed back into my life and today, I know life is all about choices and decisions and it is those choices and decisions that will be the governor for my life!!!!
There is one thing that I have so graciously learned in fighting this war and it is the very mere fact that the opponent I was fighting, the opponent that stole years off of my life, cost me relationships, filled me with hate, and took away many other wonderful things that I should have experienced, was none other than myself!!!!!!! I won, and will continue to win as long as I remain humble!!!!!
So what about you?? What decisions have you made to change? What part of your life do you not like and are fearful to change it, and more importantly, what have you neglected to see in your life that needs to be changed? If you just take a moment when you are by yourself and close your eyes, where do you see yourself being complete? Where do you see yourself fulfilling your life’s purpose? Do you see yourself being a victor in your war, or do you see yourself being a casualty? The first place where we lose the battle is in our minds. Today, become stronger against your fears, become knowledgeable against your doubts, learn the act of forgiveness against your resentments, and fill your heart with love and kindness to continually fight your hatred. In us all, are the weapons we need to be victorious, we just need to dig deep enough to find them!!!!! It is all up to you!!!!!!!!
Rich Barnes