I was a child. A naïve kid who started experimenting with drinking at the age of 10 and thought drinking was “the cool” thing to do at that age. I felt empowered, courageous, daring, and confident and did not even know the “true” meaning of those words. I was living, unbeknownst to me, on a bridge that was eventually going to collapse and the only thing I saw for miles was quick sand.
From that first drink and that euphoric feeling that ensued shortly after, I was hooked. I loved not only the feeling of euphoria, but the sense of false bravado it also provided me. You see, alcohol for me was like a baby blanket for a baby, it made me feel comfortable in my own skin and secure when I consumed it. It buried the pain and hurts that a young boy of my age should not have been experiencing. Time went on, the years started to pass, that bridge started to creak louder and louder, that quicksand was getting closer and closer and my life was seemingly falling apart right around me. I did not even see that it was the alcohol that was the common denominator in all of my troubles. I was blinded by a false reality and had become a daily drinker.
I was now 17 and a full blown alcoholic. I had been drinking for 7 years and I could not even see that the bridge that I existed on had collapsed and I, and my life, were stuck in that pool of quicksand I spoke about earlier. I have been arrested several times by now, (all drunk) my grades had fallen to the bare minimum that is required to graduate, I got kicked off of my high school hockey team as a senior (devastated) and I was about to embark on a road that would be crooked as a dog’s hind leg. I was about to try cocaine at the young age of 17 and in doing so, I never thought it would take 21 years, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and almost my life to put it down…
For the next several years, cocaine became a very big part of my life. I would do it at any chance I could and would hide it from anyone that disapproved of my using. It started to take control of me like the alcohol did and not too soon after that “experimental” stage was over, I was now and addict. I would never admit I had a problem because I did not think I had one. I was working every day and functioning like the rest of the world and the thought of any problem never entered my one way brain. I always told myself that getting drunk was the in thing, snorting lines was cool, and the hangovers and the sleep deprivation I was experiencing were just collateral damage and if I wanted to continue this way of life, (which I loved) then hangovers and all of the other bad side effects will have to become part of my life…Sadly and in hindsight, I had no idea that at this time, I was living a life that was not only governed by drugs and alcohol, they both ruled over me and became my kings.
I will leave out the meat and potatoes of my life’s struggles and save you from telling you about the horrific choices and destructive behaviors I portrayed which were a direct result of using alcohol and drugs but instead, fast forward to November 3rd, 2006.
I now have been an active alcoholic for 21 years and a hopeless drug addict for 28 years. My life as I knew it, has deteriorated from a once happy go lucky kid, to a conniving, lying, egotistical, prideful, manipulating, shell of a man. I have become a prisoner of my own home and paranoia has consumed my every thought. I thought people were in my house and were going to kill me and decided to carry a 13 inch butcher knife around with me just in case. As you can see, I, because of the drug and alcohol abuse, have now become insane and needed out!! I was in pain, so much pain, that suicide became a viable option for me. I, at the time, had a 2.5 year old daughter who was sleeping silently in the next room and I went in her room and said goodbye to her as I cried to myself. I told her I loved her so much and that I will always be there spiritually for her. I was alone in my own mind and my thoughts were of a coward. Years of doing the wrong thing, years of mentally hurting people, years of not caring about anyone but myself, has now taken its toll on me and I just wanted to die. I kneeled down on the side of the bed and put the knife on my wrist. The thought of my little Emma crying when she found out I was gone was hitting me in the head like a hammer, but I was gonna do it. I justified it by telling myself that she would be better off without me. I held that knife on my wrist and I was pushing it down so hard, I started to see blood on the knife. I then decided to ask God to watch over my little baby daughter and make sure she knows how sick her daddy was. I asked Him that and then I also asked him to help me, and help me He did.
I woke up the next morning, November 4th, 2006 and found the knife on the ground. I felt a million pounds lighter and from that day, I have not had a drink or drug since. I asked for help from everyone, I attended A.A meetings, and told everyone my dirty little secret. I could not believe the change I was experiencing and day after day, it has turned into over 8 wonderful years!~ Miracle?? I would say so!!
Now, I tell you this story for one reason, to help. I want you to share this with as many people as you can, especially to parents with children. I want the kids to know that not everyone becomes an alcoholic and not everyone becomes a drug addict, but is it really worth it to go down that road if there is a possibility to lose years of your life because you tried something? I never signed an application to be one, I just became one and I lost 28 years of my life that I can never get back!! If you are a kid, please adhere to my advice…GUARD YOUR LIFE AGAINST THE FIRST DRINK AND/OR DRUG AND IF YOU HAVE ALREADY TRIED ALCOHOL AND/OR DRUGS, GUARD YOUR LIFE AGAINST THE NEXT ONE!!!!!
Also, if you think you have a problem with alcohol and/or drugs or if people tell you that you do and do not believe them, then you probably do. Isn’t it worth a try to put the alcohol and/or drugs down? You never ever, from this point on, have to drink again or ingest another drug again. If you need help, just ask!! There are people all over the place that have experienced what I have and are ready and willing to help…The tough part about getting help, is getting that 5 seconds of courage to ask..
I promise you this, if you put it all down, then your life will take on a whole new meaning. I am in my 9th year of recovery and I would never have it any other way….We, you and I, can do more, be more, experience more, and have more without alcohol and/or drugs!!!!!
I never in a million years would have thought that a once chaotic, insane life, could finally be lived in peace.
Please have a great day and remember, you are totally worth being happy and content!!!!!!
Rich Barnes
Richfulthinking.com