I was finished not only listening to the labels I was stamping on myself about myself, but I was done with what other people stamped on me as well. For years on end, I, and others, stamped me/myself a loser, a burden, a failure, a drunk, a druggie, a bad person and so on and so on. On the outside, you would never know that on the inside, I was dying. I wore the uppity suits and shoes, I had the snazziest ties and sometimes I would even wear cufflinks, all to mask my pain that I was harboring inside the deepest canyons of my soul. I would people please in order not to create waves, I would go the other way in order to not face people that would ask me how I was doing, and I would become paranoid in my thinking that everyone was either looking at me and judging me, or talking about me and laughing.
I was in an all-out war with myself and I was losing the battle daily. Worry, anxiety, stress, depression, and sever addictions were keeping me in a place that my inner self knew I didn’t belong and kept me away from my true desires in life, desires that most normal people will take for granted. I wanted more, the inner me wanted more but the outside me had me in the palm of its demonic grip and tightening itself daily!! I was stuck in a comfort-zone and seemingly running away from myself like a hamster on its wheel, and I was getting and going nowhere. Sadly, the only thing I was running from, was the truth. They say the truth hurts, especially when it is something you do not want to face as a negative reality about yourself and boy I was not only running from my truth, I was sprinting as fast as I can!!!
Every day, and with full genuine intention, I was going to change. No more will I stamp myself in a negative light, no more will I “accept” the negative banter about me that was being thrown around like the seeds of a dandelion on a windy spring day. Every day I would wake with those confident thoughts and I would eventually cower to temptation, fear, doubts, self-loathing, and low self-esteem not too far after.
Why was I a coward?
Why could I not just surrender to my demons and turn this self-made war around and start living a life that I always wanted?
Why did I not just raise that glorious white flag, surrender to the enemy, and not only extend my hand out for help, but become humble and accept it??
All great questions that I can sit here and type but they are also questions that I would never in a million years ask myself, especially in the frame of mind I was in at that time.
These behaviors went on for the better part of my life and they finally all came to a crashing halt in November of 2006. I finally, after 28 years of beating myself up, decided I was finished. I was finished with this war and I will finally put my foot down and declare myself victorious.
I was finished playing the victim and decided that I was going to start developing a “VICTOR” mentality.
I was finished worrying, being anxious, insecure, depressed, and being active in my addictions.
I was finished fighting, struggling, and trying to fit in, and finally learned how to accept me for me and that very thought would be a catalyst for a huge change in my life.
I was finished beating myself up for all of my flaws and I was finished covering all of them up so people would look at me and think I was ok.
I was finished being someone that I thought I wanted to be and started developing a positive mindset that would allow me to love myself.
I also finally realized that I am not a bad person. I am a human being with faults and yes, I make a lot of mistakes. Today, I can do anything, be anything I want, attain my goals, accomplish my dreams, and just genuinely be happy because I tell myself I can. The word, “CAN’T” does not live in my life anymore and I will never back down from my forward momentum.
Finally, I was free of the chains of me. I was free from those chains of negativity, self-loathing, anxiety, depression, addictions, and that false sense of bravado. Finally, I can be me, a man that has found his purpose in and for life and that will stop at nothing to define it to the world.
Finally, I can look at the mirror of my life and realize that everything I went through in my years past, was to share it with the world so that just one person does not go down that road.
You see, anything is possible if you just feel it in your heart. If you open up your heart to the world, become not only humble in life, but also vulnerable as well, your life will take on a new meaning.
For me, I have traded in the life I have been given and have lived in for 38 years, for the life I have only seen in my dreams.
If after you read this, you look at your life and desire a change, then change. Grab hold of your life and declare that change is on the way. Seek out help, regardless of how scared you are to ask for it, and you will receive it. Life is meant to be lived happily, peaceful, and serene and not with anxiety, stress, fears and/or doubts.
Please leave this computer screen with one question on your mind…That question is, how can you, after reading this, leave the life in which you live, and enter into the life you only dream about??
Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!! 
Rich B.